


i'm going to love you (even though i'm scared)

by kozusme



Category: SK8 the Infinity (Anime)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Feelings Realization, Friends to Lovers, Getting Together, Hospitals, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Minor Injuries, also langa is confused, and doesn't know how to deal with them, miya just wants them to make up, reki has a lot of internalized feelings, so he doesn't, theres a lot of sadness but at least it's a happy ending
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-04
Updated: 2021-03-04
Packaged: 2021-03-17 02:49:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,006
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29834892
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kozusme/pseuds/kozusme
Summary: “Langa… It’s unreachable for me.” He whispers to no one.Rain fills his ears, the sound of the droplets surrounding him, he’s going to get wet but he doesn’t care, he lets himself rest. He wishes he could stop trying.or Reki feels too much and doesn't know how to deal with it.
Relationships: Hasegawa Langa/Kyan Reki
Comments: 11
Kudos: 158





	i'm going to love you (even though i'm scared)

“Mom, where is my bento?”

“On top of the table.”

Reki hurriedly makes it outside the house, his sister walking into their kitchen just as he takes his board and leaves. Excited to meet Langa.

“He used to barely make it in time” She comments.

“Good morning!” He says as he fist bumps Langa, a smile taking over his face. He can’t help it; it’s been a while since he’s felt this happy.

“Morning, shall we go to the Big Wood course?”

“Sounds good!” His smile growing, what a nice feeling.

They make their way to the course, passing each other as they giggle. Reki thinks he hasn’t felt this alive in a while, with Langa by his side he feels like can do anything. 

Once they are close enough, Reki accelerates and goes over the rail, landing perfectly at the end. Langa stops to watch him, in awe, but he has his own plans. He gets on his board and accelerates, getting on a wood plank piled on the side, next to a bunch of wooden boxes, he then makes his way to the wall, skating on it with ease and then touching the star graffiti on top.

Some kids comment about how cool he looked and Reki can’t help but agree. Pride filling his chest. 

He’s glad he taught Langa how to skate.

_ He’s always been a daydreamer, but since his father passed he seemed like an empty shelf of himself. Actually, I was debating on returning to Okinawa or not. It was as if I was taking snowboarding away, as well, after his father was taken from him. But in the end, it might have been a good thing. _

Langa’s phone rings, a text from Reki.

Reki [21:34PM]

**i’m here**

He smiles, he finishes polishing his board and quickly goes downstairs to meet with his friend. Reki is on his bike, helmet on, waiting for him.

“Let’s go, Langa.” He puts on his own helmet and gets on. Excited for what’s to come.

They are at S, per usual. Reki is watching Langa skate, he feels so many things when he does, pride, happiness… he loves watching his friend skate. Enjoys seeing how far he’s come even since that fateful day when their paths crossed. And most important of all, he loves that Langa seems to like skating just as much as he does. 

“Isn’t that awesome?” He speaks out loud, smiling as people cheer for Langa.

“Why are you so proud of it?” Miya asks, obviously making fun of him. He ignores it.

“Let me tell you. People aren’t taking notice of you. It’s your buddy.” Reki knows, deep down he knows no one else is aware that he was the one who taught Langa how to skate, but even more than that, he was the one who taught Langa to  **love** skateboarding. 

“I know that! And what’s with buddy?” He knows, he knows, he knows. But it still hurts.

“And people call you, the one that’s not Langa.” He feels his smile disappear; he knows. He’s heard people call him “Snow’s friend” “The one who sticks to Snow” “That one dude.”

“Shut up” He says before he can think too deeply about the situation.

Not too long after, Cherry and Joe make their appearance, bickering as always. It distracts him for a bit. It’s always fun to see those two, oblivious to their feelings but continuing to pretend to dislike each other, he doesn’t get it but leaves them be. He’s distracted, trying not to get onto his own head. Until he sees Langa once more, he watches him gain more air while riding the halfpipe, it looks as if he’s floating. 

“He’s gained even more air” Miya comments, his face clearly showing how amazed he is. “He’s higher up than any of us now.”

“He must have developed it when snowboarding.” Reki turns to Cherry, who has decided to speak up. “He has a strong core, too. Probably from years of training.”

“Come to think of it, Langa said he has been snowboarding since he was two.”

“That makes sense,” Cherry adds. “I’m sure Langa has been honing his talents from a very early age under an excellent instructor.”

“I’m sure if he came to competitive skating, he’d make it to the Japan National Team.” Reki feels a tug on his stomach, he ignores it.

“All this in a matter of months? Just how good can he become?”

“Is he really that…?” He doesn’t finish his train of thought, opting to ignore it.

He keeps watching Langa, he hears praise fall out of everyone’s lips as Snow does his tricks, attracting even more attention. He feels the tug on his stomach grow, acid on his throat. He swallows it down. 

He doesn’t know what kind of facial expression he’s making that makes Miya call out to him. “Reki?”

“I’m going to get something to drink.” He says, hoping no one notices his absence.  _ I don’t think they will _ , he thinks.

As he kneels down to grab his drink, he overhears them.

“Snow is really amazing!” 

Without even meaning to, he leans in to listen. 

“Yeah he’s awesome, so good.”

He wishes they would praise him like that, maybe one day.

“More like, who’s that redhead who’s always with Snow?”

He sucks a deep breath in, and tries to stay calm. He feels his throat burn.

“No idea, do you know?” He feels his heart beat faster, threatening to rip out of his chest. He doesn’t want to hear it, but he does. He stops drinking, slowly lowering his bottle.

“Oh, that guy is just some lowlife that hangs out with him. No need to remember that guy.”

The acid he tried so hard to swallow comes back up, threatening to get up, he might let it. But he knows that if he does, the acid might turn into venom. He breathes, in and out, tears pooling on his eyes.  _ Fuck. _

He understands. He knows where he stands in S, at the very bottom. He isn’t like everyone else, mediocre at best. He wonders if there’s any point in continuing skating. He wonders if there’s any point in trying anymore.

He feels the sun peek through his curtains, he feels like shit. He slowly gets out of his bed and gets ready for school. Once he’s done showering, he gets dressed and makes his way downstairs, ready to leave. He’s at the door when he feels his mom’s quick footsteps behind him.

“Reki! Your bento”

He hesitates but grabs it anyway not wanting to worry his mother.

“Oh, thanks. I’m heading out now.”

He hops onto his skateboard and makes his way to school, his mind drifting to places where it shouldn’t go. He only notices Langa when he yells his name. He turns around and sees him.

“Reki!” 

“Yeah, sorry”

“Something on your mind?” 

_ You _ .  _ God, my head is full of you, Langa. The way you skate, the way you call my name when you’ve finally mastered a trick after failing so many times. You. It always comes back to you. You and your- _

“Reki?”

He lifts his head and makes eye contact with Langa, “Your blue eyes…”

“What?” Langa looks visibly confused but doesn’t ask any more questions.

“Uhh, nothing.”  _ His eyes?  _ Reki wonders where his mind will take him tomorrow. He doesn’t want to find out.

“I know.” Langa says it with such confidence that it startles Reki.  _ Does he really know? _ “You were building a new deck! That’s why you stayed up last night.” A breath he didn’t know he was holding leaves his body.  _ Of course, he doesn’t know. _

“Right” He ruffles Langa’s hair, messing it up. To at least give his friend some sort of comfort, to let him know that he’s okay, or at least pretending to. It doesn’t matter either way.

It’s everywhere. He can’t get rid of the thoughts filling his head, not even in school. He realizes how far Langa is from him, how untouchable he is. So far out of his reach _. I’ll catch up to you _ . He realizes how silly those thoughts were, there’s no way he can catch up. 

“Langa is amazing, isn’t he?” A classmate says, after his friend scored a goal during their match. 

“Yeah. Yeah, he is amazing.” He can’t deny it. That might be the worst part.

His day at school becomes increasingly worse, his mind wanders somewhere else and it causes him a lot of trouble. He gets called out by teachers, bumps into people in the hallway, and when he tries to eat his lunch he feels his stomach churn. He hasn’t had a bad day in a while so this one feels like it’s been multiplied by three. 

When the bell rings, he quickly packs his stuff and leaves. Not bothering to look back.

He’s almost outside the school grounds when he feels Langa call out to him, “Why did you head out without me?” He feels bad, he truly does. It isn’t Langa’s fault he feels like this. He knows it isn’t but it hurts. And the only thing he knows to do when something hurts it’s to run away from it.

“Sorry. I spaced out a bit”  _ What a lame excuse, _ he thinks. And wonders how long he’ll be able to use it.

They walk together in silence for a bit, as they always do, but Reki can’t focus, not on Langa, not on the scenery, not on anything else. His mind is starting to wander places it shouldn’t, once again.

“At what time tonight?” Reki must look confused because Langa continues “There’s S tonight, right?”

He feels the tug on his stomach come back, he recalls his race with Adam and he feels sick. “Uh,” He thinks of an excuse, anything, that would get him out of this situation “I have an errand to run tonight, so I can’t go. You can go alone. Okay?”

He can feel Langa’s gaze on him, watching him carefully. “All right.” 

He makes his way to S, parking his bike on the same spot as Reki does.

“Langa!” Miya is the first one to greet him when he enters, skating to him before he even gets off the bike. “Where is Reki?” 

“He said he had an errand to run tonight.” Langa wasn’t convinced but decided to brush it off, to not bother Reki. 

“That’s unusual.” Miya adds, and Langa knows. But there was nothing he could do about it, he didn’t want to pressure Reki to come. Not after his accident anyway.

The only sound that can be heard in his room is his phone. After lying to Langa and making up an excuse as to why he couldn’t go to S, he felt even shittier than he did in the morning. Now, he is stuck at home, feeling sad and watching old videos of Langa when he was just learning how to skateboard.  _ When he wasn’t as good as he is now _ , he thinks.

He watches the video, where Langa is struggling not to fall off his board, moving it from side to side. He can hear himself saying “You can do it”, Langa is focused on not falling and finishing the task that Reki gave him, once he’s done Reki hears him say “I did it, I did it Reki!” with a huge smile on his face, even as he falls face to the ground, his smile does not falter.

_ This was only a few months ago _ , he thinks.

His phone shows him a video of Langa trying to do an ollie, repeatedly failing but not giving up yet. Reki smiles, because that’s just how Langa is. No matter how many times he got hurt, no matter how much it hurt, he kept going. “That was a good one right, Reki?” He feels his heart beat faster at the mention of his name.  _ I wish I could catch up to you, Langa. Since when there was such a huge gap between us? I’ve been doing this for so long, too. Is it effort I lack? Talent?  _

_ Hey, Langa. How can you jump so high? _

S feels almost like home now, he knows every nook and cranny of the track. He feels himself accelerating, going faster than ever before. He feels the wind hit his skin, cold.  _ I can go faster.  _ Without meaning to, he envisions Adam in front of him.

Adam, his race with him left such a deep impression. For the first time in a while he felt alive, like he could truly be free. Like he could reach even bigger heights. 

_ Faster!  _ He leans forward to gain more speed. He wants to feel whatever it is that he felt on his race with Adam, he craves it. Craves that rush, once more. He feels a ring on his ears, he knows there’s people talking but he can’t hear them. He doesn’t care, instead he focuses on his speed. 

“Langa” Joe yells, Langa doesn’t seem to hear him “Langa” Not even flinching “Langa!” That seems to do it, Langa snaps out of his trance and sees Joe next to him. 

“Oh, Joe.” 

“You alright?” Langa wonders, is he?

“About what?”

Before they can continue their conversation they see a helicopter over their heads.  _ Adam _ , Langa thinks. They quickly make their way to the center stage, meeting with Cherry and Miya. When they arrive, Adam is already there. 

“I brought you guys some exciting news!” Langa can feel his heartbeat pick up, excited for whatever news Adam has to share. “To determine who is the best out of all of us. A tournament!” 

Langa is stunned, thrilled at the news of a tournament. His first reaction is to turn around and talk to his friend. “Reki!” He says excitedly, before remembering he isn’t there. His smile falters a bit but his excitement doesn't subside. He can tell Reki about it later. 

“I can go against Adam again.”

_ So I’m beggin’ ya, don’t go against Adam. _

The promise he made to Reki echoes in his head. He feels a tug in his heart. What is he going to do?

Reki opens the curtains of his room, the day looks as gloomy as he feels. He didn’t sleep well, tossing and turning on his bed, worried that something might have happened to Langa, but not having enough courage to ask him. 

Once he’s done getting ready, he makes his way downstairs, where his mother is waiting for him, his bento in her hands.

“You mustn’t forget your lunch.” She says as she pinches his cheeks.

“Thank you, mom. I’m leaving.”

He tries to skate as slow as possible, dreading having to meet up with his friend. The guilt threatens to eat him alive. When he arrives at their spot Langa is looking at his phone with a smile on his face, Reki can tell he’s excited about something, but he’s not sure if he wants to ask. He does anyway.

“What are you looking at?”

His voice seems to startle Langa, who locks his phone and looks at him.

“Uh, oh. Adam showed up yesterday and-”

Acid, he feels it bubble up again.

“I don’t wanna hear it.” Langa seems to be hurt by his comment but right now, he doesn’t care. “You know how much I hate him, right?”

Langa’s excitement dissipates. His shoulders drop and his usual smile disappears.

“Yeah…”

Silence between them is unusual, but Reki feels as if this is going to be a normal occurrence. 

“Langa…” He starts “Can you do that thing again?” 

He wants to see it, wants to see Langa reach the top again. He wants to watch him get where he can never be. So he does, he watches Langa do his trick again, he touches the star at the top and lands perfectly.

His throat burns, he’s so close to spilling.  _ I need to hold back. _

“If you jumped ten times, how many could you reach?” He realizes what he said when he looks at Langa’s confused face.

“What?”

“Sorry! It’s nothing.”

_ I wish it was. I truly wish it was nothing. _

He wonders if the acid will ever make it out of his mouth. He doesn’t want to find out.

He finds himself in the same spot, the Big Wood course. He can’t let his self-hatred win, he has never been the one to give up either. He will try, and try until his knees bleed and he can no longer stand up. 

So he does.

He needs to know just how much of a difference there is between him and Langa.

After being left alone at school, he decided he needs to check on Reki. His behavior is unusual, he’s usually talkative and cheery, but lately it feels as if someone is slowly draining the life out of him. He used to look at Langa all the time, and now it feels as if he’s not making eye contact on purpose. As if he doesn’t want to look at his face.

“Is Reki here?” He asks Reki’s mom.

“I assumed he’d be with you, Langa.”

_ He should, he should be with me, but he isn’t. _

Reki’s phone vibrates in his bag, as he tries his best not to fall behind.

Langa [18:15PM]

**Reki, where are you?**

**What are you doing?**

**I’m looking for you.**

**Where are you?**

He’s on his twentieth try when he lets himself fall on the floor, exhausted. He remembers Miya’s words when he raced against him. “Those with no talent should stay out.” Maybe he should, maybe he should just give up, maybe-. He stops thinking about it, it does him no good.

Twenty fifth try, he slams against a rail. Shadow’s words echo in his head “And people call you, the one that’s not Langa!” He bangs his body against the concrete but gets up, he needs to keep trying.

Thirtieth try, and Adam’s words hurt the most “Not enough. Not nearly enough.”

Just how much does he have to try.

Thirty fifth try and he almost reaches it, hand grazing the graffiti star on top. Almost there, but not quite.

He lets himself fall onto the floor, breathing labored, tired from trying. Tired from struggling to reach the top.

“Langa… It’s unreachable for me.” He whispers to no one.

Rain fills his ears, the sound of the droplets surrounding him, he’s going to get wet but he doesn’t care, he lets himself rest. He wishes he could stop trying.

He makes his way home in the rain, by foot instead of skating, too tired and dejected to do so. If he had held his head high he would have noticed him, but he didn't.

Langa is waiting outside his house, soaking wet from the rain. He wants to run to him and tell him to come inside, to shelter himself from the rain, but he doesn’t. He’s too ashamed to look Langa in the eye. He tries to turn around and go somewhere else when Langa spots him.

“Reki” He speaks and Reki feels his heart hurt. “Welcome home.”

Neither of them say anything, letting the rain be the only sound that surrounds them.

“You need something?”

“Adam is hosting a tournament.” Is what Langa says. Reki grips his board. He doesn’t want to hear it. His mind wanders and he remembers red, pain and loss. He truly doesn’t want to hear it.

“So?”

“I’m thinking about entering.”

Reki can clearly remember the smell of the hospital, people crying.

“What about the promise with me?”

“That’s…”

“You said you wouldn’t go against Adam again!” He wants to scream, yell at Langa. It’s too dangerous, what are you thinking! I don’t want you to get hurt, I don’t want you to end up like-

“I’m sorry but I-”

“Don’t apologize” He feels himself raising his voice, he's so tired. “It just means you’re going to break your promise with me, right?” He feels a lump on his throat, he can’t cry. Not right now “Do you know how much I…” He stops himself. “That’s enough.”

He starts walking towards his house, ready to let this day end when Langa grabs his arm, stopping him. “Reki! I wanna go against Adam.” He feels the desperation in Langa’s voice. He can’t.

“With someone dangerous like that?”

“But he’s an amazing skater” Reki knows, knows better than anyone how amazing Adam is, he saw it first hand. “You understand that as a skater too, right?” He understands how painful it was, how scary. “Skating together with someone amazing like that gets you excited!”

Reki looks at Langa as if he’s speaking nonsense, he can’t believe it. Can’t understand why Langa would want to go against someone like that. 

“Excited?” Adam’s face pops up in his head, so close he can recall how it felt to have him go full speed towards him.

“I…” The thought of going against someone like that makes Reki’s skin crawl “I don’t get excited!” He’s just scared. “I’m scared. How can you be acting like it’s all fun and stuff? I don’t get it at all!” His voice is quivering and his throat is dry. He wants to go to bed. 

Langa is startled, never heard Reki raising his voice like that before. 

“You and Adam are nothing like me. Nothing like me.”

_ And will never be. _

“Huh?”

“Do whatever you like. You crazy geniuses can skate with each other as much as you want. I can’t keep up.”

The words are out, he’s laid it bare for Langa. There’s nothing else to say so he turns around and leaves. He’s not good enough, to be with Langa or with anyone else.

“Langa… You and I aren’t a good match anymore.”

When he makes it home he’s soaking wet, he feels as if his heart was ripped out of his chest, a pain he’s never felt before. He ignores his mom calling him, he just wants to shower and sleep. Forget today even happened.

He tries.

Reki’s words echo in his head, they feel like a bunch of needles, prickling his skin and he can’t make them stop. He’s already entered the tournament, with or without Reki he wants to feel that thrill again. He wants to fight Adam.

When he makes it to S, everyone else is already there. Miya is the first one to approach him, as always.

“Langa!” He walks towards his friend and looks at the board of contestants, looking for his name “Reki isn’t together with you?” He feels his heart hurt. Reki isn’t together with him, he isn’t by his side like he always has been. Like he should be. “Looks like he didn’t even enter the tournament.”

“Reki won’t be here” Last night’s words hit him, once more. He recalls Reki’s face when he told him he was scared, he remembers how Reki looked, face full of hurt. As if begging him not to go, to not race against Adam. 

“Why?” Miya asks, shaking him out of his thoughts.

“Well…” He doesn’t know what to say, not sure if Reki would like him telling them about their… fight.

“He’s just scared of going against Adam.” Shadow speaks before Langa can, and he laughs. Langa feels his jaw clench at Shadow’s words. His muscles tensing. He might be right, but it doesn’t feel good to hear it coming out of his mouth.

The first one racing is Miya, he goes against Adam and of course, qualifies. 

Langa reaches out for his phone, and looks through his messages. Reki hasn’t replied to any of them. He feels his stomach sink, but he has to keep calm, he’s next.

His race is against Joe and a bunch of other dudes in black body suits. The people in black suits surround him as soon as the race starts and try to take him out, but he’s faster than them, he dodges their attacks, jumping as high as he can as if he was on a snowboard. He fails to miss a hit though, it goes directly to his wheels, luckily he lands perfectly and continues to race without a problem.

He makes it, of course he does. He celebrates, high fives Miya and Cherry gives him a pat on the back.

_ What is this? When I was able to skate like this before my heart always felt so loud. _

He looks back at his snowboarding days, back when his heart was full. He was happy. 

He feels steps approaching him, and a hand touches his shoulder. He turns back, expecting to see him.

“Reki!” He smiles at the thought of his best friend coming to see him, only to be met with disappointment. And Adam.

“That was truly lovely, my Snow!” Langa cringes at the words and tries to get Adam’s hands off him, backing away. “That bunch wasn’t a match for you-” His mind drifts off, he made it, he passed and yet, he feels so empty. He thinks back to when every time he mastered a new trick, Reki would be cheering for him.  _ Reki.  _ “-Of course it has to be me-” Langa is no longer paying attention, not even catching what Adam is saying, his mind full of thoughts about a certain someone.

He wishes Reki were next to him.

Reki is lying in bed, his phone vibrating next to him. He knows who it is but he can’t bring himself to reply. Can’t even look at the messages without feeling an immense guilt accumulating in his gut. He sighs and covers his eyes with his arm, recalling last night’s fight with Langa.

He’s been trying to pin-point why he was so mad, what stirred him up so much and all he can think of is  **Adam.** He wonders if he’ll ever forget that race, if he’ll ever get rid of that gut wrenching feeling he had when Adam was in front of him, going at him full speed. He remembers feeling powerless, unable to move as his muscles tensed and his heart rate increased. He recalls seeing Adam’s face as he fell, pain, an ache on his left arm as he tried to not injure his dominant arm. Remembers seeing black as his consciousness drifted. 

His whole body tenses up without him meaning to. Memories of that night ingrained in his brain, he’s never been afraid to get hurt, understanding that when you’re a skater shit like that happens more often than not. He’s never been scared, not once so why?

Why is he so afraid?

He tries to even his breathing as his mind wanders back to the past. He sees white, hears people crying, screaming and pointing at him. He feels tears pool on his eyes and he remembers all those memories he has tried so hard to forget. All the guilt that he once bore.

**It’s your fault, you took him there!** He tries to reply, eyes full of tears and hands gripping his skateboard.  **If you never got him into this he wouldn’t be here!** _ My fault, my fault. He’s here because of me. _

**It’s not your fault, Reki.** He hears Tenma speak, his voice still raspy. He looks at him, he’s in his hospital robe, left leg and left arm broken. The doctors had told them that he might not be able to skate ever again.  _ My fault.  _ **I chose to go with you. I love skating as much as you do, Reki. So please don’t blame yourself.**

Blame, guilt, broken dreams.

He remembers them all too well.

He doesn’t want Langa to go through the same, doesn’t want his friend to end up in the hospital. Doesn’t want to kill his dreams.  _ I don't want to lose him. I want to keep him by my side. _

Before he notices, tears are streaming down his face. He doesn’t want to lose Langa, not now, not ever. He’s not ready to go through that kind of pain again. But something inside him tells him that this is different from last time. And maybe, he doesn't want to admit it.

His alarm wakes him up. Reluctantly, he gets up and looks at himself in the mirror, his eyes are puffy and his face is swollen. He ignores it and gets ready for school. Once he makes it to the kitchen, he grabs his bento and leaves, not bothering to say goodbye.

He walks to school this time, not in the mood to skate.  _ Not today _ , he says to himself,  _ maybe not ever.  _ He takes a different route, afraid to bump into Langa if he goes his usual way, thankfully he doesn’t, and when he gets to their classroom he isn’t there either. He sits on his seat and waits for the class to start. 

“Hey Langa!” He almost turns his head around to greet him, but doesn’t. “You barely made it!”  _ Good, he’s good. He’s safe.  _

“Morning, Reki.” Those two words make Reki almost burst into tears. He’s on edge. He’s feeling too much and nothing at the same time.

“Hey.”

“I got past the qualifiers.” Langa mentions, he sounds excited, but Reki doesn’t want to know. Not if Langa is going against Adam, not if he’s still risking his life. Not if he might end up like-.

He hums in response.

“It has nothing to do with me though.” He knows he’s being cruel. He knows it better than anyone else. Maybe, just maybe if he’s a little meaner Langa would understand.

Langa doesn’t reply. Reki can see his reflection on the window, he looks sad. He can tell how thrilled Langa is about racing against Adam, he could see it on his face. His eyes shining, his smile bigger than it’s ever been before, but Reki can’t feel the same. Now Langa looks empty and Reki feels guilty. Guiltier than last time.

The school day passes by slowly, and Reki feels miserable. He ignores Langa for the rest of the day, his presence too much of a reminder of how much of a coward he is. 

When the bell rings he quickly packs his things and heads home, hoping Langa won’t follow him. He doesn’t.

The sound of his mom’s favorite TV show fills the background. He hopes it will distract him from thinking too much, it doesn’t. His brain betrays him, thinking back to Langa’s expression when he dismissed his excitement about making it to qualifiers. How his face fell immediately, the spark on his eyes died out as quick as it came.

“This is so uncool.” He says, to no one in particular.

“What is? You? Well, you’re always uncool, big brother.” His little sister, looking down at him.

“I didn’t say it was about me.”

“Then, who’s uncool?”

He looks somewhere else, avoiding his sister’s gaze. 

“See? It is about you.”  _ Yeah, I’m so uncool.  _ “But you’re ever so slightly cool when you’re skateboarding!” He raises his eyebrows, his sister maybe knows how to make him feel better “But you haven’t been doing it at all lately. Why?”

“There are times when I feel this way.”

He focuses on the TV again, where a shoemaker is being interviewed. He lazily listens to him.

**_“That’s why I quit. I didn’t have the talent, either.”_ **

**_“Why work on creating shoes?” The interview asks._ **

**_“Because I wanted to be involved in track, regardless of the methodology. I do love it, after all. The fact that I can support amazing athletes is a really fortunate thing!”_ **

_ Support, huh. _

He wonders if he could be that for Langa.

Langa finds himself at S once again. He’s riding the halfpipe, as usual, while Miya and Shadow watch him.

“Reki still isn’t showing up today?” Miya asks out loud, to no one in particular. “I’m gonna make sure of things for myself, after all.”

“Stop it.” Shadow interferes, not wanting to get in between Langa and Reki. 

“I’m sure something happened with him and Langa!” Miya wants them to make up, and wants Reki back with them again. Even if he doesn’t admit it, he misses him.

“If so, those two need to resolve it themselves or it’s meaningless.”

“I know that, but…”

Miya knows it. He misses Reki and is sure Langa misses him even more.

Reki finds himself at a ramen restaurant, not skateboarding has left him with a lot of free time on his hands. The best thing to do he can think of is to eat. He’s enjoying his ramen when someone places a plate next to him.

“I didn’t order this.” He tries to say, before he realizes who it is.

“Hey!”

“Joe.”

“The main tournament starts today, aren’t you coming?” What do you think? He wants to ask.

“I didn’t enter.” He says instead. 

“It’s okay if you just watch, so come.”  _ How can I? I can’t even look Langa in the face. _

“Leave me alone.” He grips his chopsticks with force. “I’m no longer…”

“Reki… Don’t ever end up by yourself.” 

“Huh?”

_ Do you think I want to? _

It’s been a while since he’s talked to Reki. He feels weirdly empty, he remembers feeling like this before… when his dad passed away, leaving him.

He’s sitting at the table with his mother, eating dinner.

“Hey, mom…”

“What is it?” She quickly replies.

_ How do I fix a friendship? _

“This is tasty.” He hopes she doesn’t realize that he hasn’t taken a bite of his food.

“You think so? It went rather well today. How well it’s cooked…”

“Hey, mom…”

“What is it?”

He misses Reki. He wants to talk to him, go out with him and have fun skateboarding. He wants to see Reki smile as he lands a particularly hard trick. He realizes he hasn’t known life before Reki, it doesn’t feel like it. It feels as if Reki has always been part of his life somehow. 

He misses him so much.

“Will it be sunny tomorrow?” He remembers sunny days spent next to Reki, skating together down the road, laughing at everything and anything. It feels so far away now. “Hey, mom…”

“Yes?”

“I kinda screwed up.” He admits it. He shouldn’t have broken their promise, shouldn’t have signed up for the tournament. Reki would be next to him if he hadn’t. “And I’m being avoided.”

“I had something similar happen to me.” 

“Really?”

“You just keep missing each other, but neither of you are in the wrong.” He wonders if that’s true, it feels as if he’s the one who screwed everything up.  _ Should have kept my promise _ . 

“No. It’s my fault for breaking our promise.”

“I think it’s best if you were honest with your feelings.”

_ Honest?  _ What does he even feel?

“Honest…”

“You like that person, right?”

His mother’s question takes him by surprise. He likes Reki? Of course he does, he’s become his best friend, the only person he can rely on. He enjoys spending time with him, being by his side, he wishes Reki would never leave him. He wants to see his smile for the rest of his life, that goofy smile that he always shows him. That smile that makes his heart beat faster… that smile that makes him think he doesn’t need anything or anyone else in the world but Reki by his side.

“Huh? Well… yeah.”

“Why don’t you honestly relay your emotions?”

“No way. That’s too embarrassing.”

He imagines Reki, with a sunset behind him. He thinks of everything he could say to him, saying it, Reki smiling, as he always does and grabbing his face.  **I like you too, Langa.**

“You have to act on it… If you really care about her!” 

“Her?”

“Huh?” They both say, at the same time.

It’s the day of the qualifiers, Langa grabs the motorbike and heads to Reki’s house.

_ I wonder if Reki will be here today. _

The window to his room is open. Langa’s heart beats faster at the thought.  _ That means... _

Reki finds himself at S, waiting for the qualifiers to begin.  _ What the hell am I doing here?  _ He’s watching a huge screen that is going to air the races live when he sees Langa. At first he doesn’t move, he can’t, his heart starts beating so fast he’s afraid he might pass out, but he quickly moves and hides away between some dudes. Not allowing himself to be seen. Langa passes him, not even sparing a glance.  _ It’s fine, he didn’t see me. _

Langa spots Joe and goes to him. Reki must be here.

“Joe!”

“Yo, Langa.”

“Have you seen Reki?”

“Nope, he’s here?”

“Probably.” He says.  _ He must be here. _

Before they can keep talking, the lights go out and Adam appears on stage. He announces the first challengers. Shadow and Harry. Langa looks everywhere, but still doesn’t see Reki.

Reki is sat far away from the stage, hoping no one he knows will recognize him. His hood is up and he has a cap to hide his face.  _ So, those guys were really amazing, huh?  _ He wonders if he should go home. After all, his place isn’t here.  _ I’m the only one who isn’t amazing. _

He watches Shadow beat his opponent. He’s even faster than when he went against him. 

Adam announces the next contestants, Snow and Joe.

Reki feels his heart come to a stop, he swallows and without meaning to he looks for Langa in the crowd. His hands shake as he makes his way to the road, needing to see the race up close.

Langa is at the startline, waiting for the race to start. He should be focusing on his opponent but the only thing on his mind is Reki. _ Where is Reki?  _ He scans the crowd multiple times but doesn’t see him, he can’t help but feel disappointed. 

_ This will be the first time I’m skating against Joe when he’s serious. How will he skate? _

He should feel excited, should feel his heart rate picking up but he doesn’t. His mind is too preoccupied with something else. 

The race starts, he picks up speed as they go downhill. He’s fast but apparently so is Joe, both of them going at a speed that isn’t safe, but they don’t care. Winning is the only thing on their minds. Joe passes him, leaning in and crutching down on his board. Langa watches him as he gets left behind. He tries to pick up speed to catch up to Joe, little by little closing the gap between them. They’re so close to the goal, a chill goes down his spine and he leans forward even more, gaining speed. He’s neck and neck with Joe, descending so fast that when they finish he doesn’t know who finished first.

His ears are ringing, he feels his legs start to give out. His breath coming out in pants, Miya comes running towards him, yelling, but Langa can’t make up what he’s saying. It’s only a few seconds after that he hears the crowd’s cheers.

“You won!” 

He can feel himself smiling, high-fives Miya and is about to turn around to high-five Reki when he remembers.  _ Right, he isn’t here. _

Reki feels a smile tug at his lips, even after everything he feels proud of Langa. Proud of how far he’s come. He shoves his hands onto his pockets and sits back down. The thrill of the moment slowly dying down. His heartbeat coming down. 

The other races fly before his very eyes, Cherry wins against Miya, then loses against Adam. Shadow goes next and loses to Snake. There’s only three people left. 

Adam versus Snow.

He feels his blood go cold.

Adam announces they will be holding his race against Snow in two days, being too late already to keep S open, especially since the cops showed up not too long ago. Without noticing, Reki lets out a breath he didn’t know he was holding and leaves.

The sun is shining on his face when his younger sister wakes him up, telling him he’ll be late for school if he doesn’t get up soon. He opens his eyes and lazily gets out of bed, not looking forward to school at all. 

“He’s not getting better at all, huh.” His sister whispers but he hears her anyway. 

_ I’m trying _ , he thinks.

He looks at his board and decides to once more, walk to school. He arrives just in time, Langa already on his seat talking to a couple classmates. He ignores them and goes to his seat, immediately forcing himself to look out of the window. Langa’s reflection tells him everything he needs to know.

When he sees Reki entering the classroom, he remembers his mothers words. “Be honest.” How the hell is he supposed to do that? Reki is on his right to be angry, he broke their promise after all. He chose racing Adam over his friendship with Reki. Guilt is slowly eating at him.

Reki sits down and doesn’t even spare a glance at him.  _ I deserve it. _

_ You like that person, right? _

He does, of course he does. Reki was the first person who talked to him, who showed him how fun skateboarding can be. Reki has been the only constant in his life ever since his dad passed away. The only person apart from his mom who has been able to make him smile and laugh no matter what. He remembers how fast his heart beat when Reki took him to S, the excitement he felt when Reki high fived him after he won against Shadow. 

Langa thinks back on why skating has been so fun, why he has enjoyed it this much. He thinks and thinks and can only come up with one answer,  _ Reki. _

His throat closes as he realizes Reki isn’t there for him anymore. He looks at his friend, but Reki no longer looks back at him.

He asks himself if he should go. Wonders if he really wants to see Langa race Adam. The only answer he can come up with is, no. His heart is too fragile to see whatever it is that happens between them. He’s lying on his bed when his phone vibrates, he glances at it and sees Miya’s contact name pop up.

An Annoyance [21:27PM]

**r u coming?**

Me [21:27PM]

**no.**

After he replies, he locks his phone and throws it somewhere else so he doesn’t have to deal with it for now. He tries to calm himself but his heart won’t settle down.

Langa arrives at S, he gets off the motorbike and heads to meet up with Miya. Everyone is waiting for him, including Joe.  _ Still no sign of him.  _ He looks around and doesn’t find him either, he tries to hide his disappointment. 

He should feel nervous but he isn't. Excited to finally race against Adam. He feels his heartbeat pick up as he makes his way to the start line. Adam is there waiting for him. “Oh my dear Snow, I can’t-” His opponent starts speaking but Langa can’t hear him, too busy looking around the crowd to see if he’s there. “-wait to race you again. I’ve been looking forward to this-” He searches over and over but doesn’t find him. “-since our last race. I hope this time we get to find out who’s the best.” He hears Adam still talking, his annoying voice starting to get to him, but he pays him no mind.

His excitement to race dissipates at the thought of Reki not being there when he wins. His enthusiasm goes away as quickly as it came, but it’s too late. The red lights are turning on and he has to skate, it’s now or maybe never again. He gets in position. 

The green light turns on and he starts.

Adam, is of course in front of him. He leans forward to gain more speed before the curve comes, passing Adam as he turns left on the curve. For now, it’s a straight downhill. He gains more speed, he’s going faster than when he raced against Joe. He’s in front. He’s racing against Adam but he doesn’t feel anything. He feels empty, as if something is missing. 

He turns his head to the side and catches the glance of a headband, his heart stops for a second. 

“Reki?” 

Before he can do anything about it, he loses balance. He feels the back wheels of his board move. He recalls the hit they took when he raced against Joe, but he can’t do anything, he’s going too fast, way too fast to stop. 

He can hear his own heart thumping on his chest, he’s lost control of his board, he’s not going to be able to dodge the wall. It feels as if he’s back at the beginning, learning how to skate for the first time. At the corner of his eye he sees Adam pass him but he can’t bring himself to care. For the first time since he started skateboarding, he’s scared. He wonders if this is how Reki felt when he went against Adam. 

The last thing he thinks of is Reki, and how he wishes he could talk to him. 

Reki is polishing his board, if he’s not going to be skating for a while the least he can do is keep his board clean and in shape. His phone vibrates on the table, startling him. At first he ignores it, thinking it must be Miya, asking once again if he’s going to show up or not, but quickly notices that it isn’t a message but a call.

He picks up.

“Reki!” He hears Miya breathing heavily on the other side of the line, his voice cracking. Reki begins to worry.

“What is it?”

“It’s Langa.” Reki’s heart sinks.  _ No.  _ “He’s on his way to the hospital. He had an accident, he-”

Reki stops listening to whatever Miya is saying, he can’t think, can’t do anything. His friend's voice sounds as if he’s underwater, he can’t make out what he’s saying. He tries to focus on Miya’s voice, hoping to calm himself down. 

“Which hospital?”

Miya gives him the name and without thinking about it twice, he grabs his board and leaves.

It’s been a while since he’s ridden his board and it feels good. He missed it, but he has no time to think about that. His mind is full of Langa. He takes himself to the main road and starts going downhill, his heart pumping on his chest.  _ What happened to you, Langa? _

He almost gets run over trying to turn on an intersection, but he doesn’t care, he just wants to make it to the hospital as fast as he can. He hears people cursing at him in the background, yelling at him to be more careful. He doesn’t listen.  _ Faster, I need to get there. _

Memories flood like water onto his brain, he tries to shake them off but they stick to him. His pulse becomes quicker as he remembers his friend, lying unconscious on the ground, blood everywhere. His vision becomes blurry but he keeps himself steady.  _ Be okay, please be okay Langa.  _ He recalls muffled screams and Tenma calling out his name desperately _. I don’t want to lose you too. _

When he gets to the hospital, he realizes what he’s done. He’s not even on speaking terms with Langa. He’s panting, trying to catch his breath as he walks down the aisle, looking for Langa’s room. He can hear his own heartbeat drumming on his ears.  _ What am I even supposed to say? I have ignored him for the past three days. Fuck, fuck.  _

He’s about to turn around and leave when he sees a woman who he guesses it’s Langa’s mom. Before he can say anything, she spots him and walks towards him.

“You must be Langa’s friend!”

“Yes ma’am.” He wonders if Langa considers him a friend now. “Is Langa-” He doesn’t get to finish his question.

“Oh, Langa? He’s fine, just a couple broken bones. Though the doctor said he might not be able to skate in a while, that’s what you guys do, right?” 

It feels as if the world stops moving.  _ Again. It’s happening again. _

“I’m sorry, ma’am.”

“Why would you be sorry?”

I’m the one who got him into skateboarding. I’m the one who gave him a board. It’s my fault, he wants to say. Langa’s mom must sense his internal turmoil, she places a hand on his shoulder and flashes him a smile.

“He’s fine.” She reassures him, “Though he’s grounded for at least two weeks for sneaking out and getting into an accident.” She laughs and Reki feels his heart a little lighter. “You should see him yourself.”

“I don’t know if that’s a good idea.”

“Why?”

“We- we aren’t on speaking terms.”

“Well, you should be now.”

She ignores his complaints completely and shoves him inside Langa’s room anyway.

When he sees Langa it feels as if his heart is threatening to come out of his chest. He can see he has a broken leg and a broken arm.  _ My fault.  _ He takes a deep breath and makes himself seen. Langa has a couple of scratches on his face but he looks as beautiful as ever, Reki can’t seem to look away.

“Reki.”

“Hello.”

An awkward silence fills the room, none of them say anything. They don’t know where to start.

“I’m sorry.” Is the first thing that leaves Reki’s mouth. Langa looks at him, confused as to why he’s apologizing.

“Why?”

“If I never got you into skateboarding, you wouldn’t be here.”

_ It’s my fault. _

“Reki.”

His jaw clenches as he remembers why Langa is here at all.  _ The race.  _ He felt a flash of irritation, forgetting completely about his guilt. He tries to swallow down his frustration but he can feel the acid he’s harbored in his stomach come back up.

“Why did you do it?” Anger welled up in his chest, resentment eating at him.

“Reki, I-”

“Why?” He raises his voice, “You promised. You promised me you wouldn’t go against Adam” 

Anger stirred up within Langa. 

“You should know better than anyone why.”

Reki doesn’t. He doesn’t fucking know, he doesn’t get it.

“But I don’t!” He feels the venom leaving his lips, it hurts. “Why would I understand someone like you? I’m mediocre! I wouldn’t even dream of going against someone like Adam!” 

Reki’s words startle Langa, is this how his friend has felt the whole time? Inferior? Even though he was the one who taught him? Langa feels his heart break.

“Reki you are amazing, please don’t-”

“Don’t fucking say anything.” Reki is almost choking with rage, he doesn’t need pity. He knows clearly where he stands. “I don’t need your pity. I’ve known my worth for a long time, Langa. And I’ll never be worth as much as you.”

“Reki, that’s not-” Langa tries to find the words, to let Reki know that his worth is not measured by how many races he wins or loses. “I’m sorry for breaking our promise, I-”

Reki doesn’t seem to listen to him, too blinded by his own feelings.

“How do you think I felt? Huh?” Reki doesn’t know what he’s saying anymore, too caught up in the moment. He’s feeling too much. Remembering too many things, caught up in the past. “How do you think I felt when I got Miya’s call telling me you were in the hospital? Do you think I’m strong enough to bear the weight of being the one to bring an end to someone’s passion again? Especially if it’s yours?”

“Why does it matter?” Langa yells and Reki is snapped out of his thoughts.  _ Why? _

“Because it’s you!” 

A silence falls onto the room and Reki feels tears coming out of his eyes. He pushes them away with his thumb. 

_ It’s because it’s you that it matters so much. _

“Reki.”

“I’m leaving. I can’t… I don’t think I can hold a proper conversation with you right now. Let’s talk when we’ve both calmed down.” 

And with that, he leaves. Leaving Langa feeling way too many things he doesn’t quite understand.

The faint sound of the radio envelops the whole place, Reki lets himself fall on the sofa, exhausted. He’s about to sit up when he hears his little sister walk in. 

“Big brother?”

He hums in response, not having the energy to talk just yet.

“Are you okay?” There’s no point in denying it, is it? He probably looks just as he feels, like absolute shit.

“No.”

“What happened?” Her voice comes closer, and he feels her sit next to him.

“I’m scared.” He admits, and feels a weight being lifted off his shoulders.

“Mm, of what exactly?”

“A friend got into an accident” He begins “Skateboarding, broke a couple of bones. It feels just like that time.”

His sister hums in understanding, “Like that time with Tenma?”

“Yeah. I’m scared of losing my friend, just like I lost Tenma.”

His sister snorts and he sits up, bewildered at the reaction.

“Sorry,” She apologizes “Tenma isn’t dead, big brother, he just moved away.”

“Yeah but I killed his dream. He wanted to get into professional skateboarding and I ruined that for him.”

“Did he tell you that?”

“Well… No, but.”

“Stop making assumptions by yourself, big brother. Tenma is doing fine, I’m sure. Your friend will be okay too, just talk to him.”

“Easy saying it.”

Talking with his sister helps him clear his head. He’s been harboring so much guilt ever since Tenma got into that accident that he failed to ask Tenma how he felt. About Langa… He thinks long and hard about what he feels. Yes, he’s jealous, of course he is, Langa started skating just a few months ago and he’s already miles ahead of him but he forgot to take into consideration that Langa has also been snowboarding since he was two, he didn’t just get better out of nowhere, he had a strong foundation.

He realizes that his jealousy was just him trying to cover his own insecurities. 

“I really am uncool after all.”

“Told ya’.” 

He decides to call Tenma, to clear things up and hear how he’s doing. Apparently, he had moved to Tokyo and is doing perfectly well, his injuries long forgotten and a new dream within his reach. Reki is happy for him, his heart feels lighter as they talk about their highschool lives and the past.

“I just hope you won’t blame yourself anymore, y’know. It was hard having to stop skateboarding, but I know it was harder on you to lose your companion.”  _ Right on the head, _ he thinks. “I never blamed you, Reki. I know my mom did, but it’s all in the past and I hope you can let go of it.” He truly hopes he can.

They say their goodbyes and promise to meet again in the future. 

When he wakes up, he feels a lot better. Lighter. Talking with Tenma was the right thing to do, he needs to learn to let the past go. Him and Langa won’t end up like his past self and Tenma. 

He grabs his phone and opens Line.

Me [9:15AM]

**we need 2 talk**

Langa leaves the hospital in a wheelchair, against his will. His mother insisted and he didn’t want to fight about it. He knows his mother is talking to him, going over and over about how he should have been more careful and pick his fights correctly, but he can’t focus on her, his mind going back to his talk with Reki, recalling his friend’s face, tears streaming down his face as he yelled “Because it’s you!” Langa didn’t want to think about it anymore.

His mom helps him inside their house, he insists he can walk but she refuses to let him stand up. Once they’re inside, she immediately goes to cook something for him.

“Hey, mom.”

“Yeah?”

“How can you make up with someone?”

“Sweetie… Did you fight with your friend?”

“You told me to be honest with my feelings, but I couldn’t.”

“You just have to keep trying, until they are finally delivered the way you want them to.”

Keep trying. Yeah, that’s what he’s going to do.

He wakes up to his phone vibrating next to him, he slowly opens his eyes and checks. Reki.

Reki [9:15AM]

**we need 2 talk**

**meet me @ big wood course**

**in an hour**

Langa feels as if his heart is trying to escape through his throat. He gets ready in record time and tells his mom where he is going, not before her yelling at him and forcing to have breakfast.

“He said in an hour, Langa. An hour.”

Reki is fidgeting, he arrived ten minutes early because he’s a nervous mess and he’d rather be here before Langa. He’s trying to calm himself down, to no avail. He’s about to stand up when he hears footsteps. It’s Langa.

“Hi, Reki.”

Reki takes a deep breath in, even beaten up and with scratches Langa manages to look gorgeous. He shakes those thoughts out of his head and focuses on what’s important. An apology.

“Hi, Langa.” There’s an awkward silence between them, neither of them wanting to say anything, but he has to. “Look, Langa. I’m sorry.”

“For what?”

“For being an asshole. I ignored you for days because I was blinded by jealousy and now I realize how unfair that was to you.”

“I’m sorry too, for breaking our promise. I should’ve tried to understand your feelings a bit better.”

“I felt jealous about how much you had improved in such a short amount of time, while I was stuck at the bottom.” He clenches his fists, trying to get the words out “It’s not your fault you’re so good, you’ve been snowboarding for such a long time. I was just trying to use you as an excuse to cover my own insecurities and I’m sorry. I’ve come to realize many things now.”

“Reki-”

“I was scared, y’know? Fucking terrified. The thought of you going against Adam and getting injured scared me so much. Langa, the thought of losing you became unbearable so I tried to distance myself from you, to try and make it hurt less in the long run.”

Reki can’t bring himself to look at Langa, too afraid of what his face might tell him.

“Did it work?” 

“No.” He quickly replies “It just made me realize how important you are to me. I finally found out how I feel about you.”

Reki finally looks up and sees Langa smiling, he can’t help but smile too.

“And… How do you feel about me?”

“I like you.”

Langa laughs, a soft laugh that makes Reki’s heart do a 180 inside his ribcage.

“I like you too, Reki.”

He catches Langa trying to talk towards him, but he’s faster. He closes the distance between them, kissing him. It’s a chaste kiss but neither of them would trade it for the world. 

“Y’know, you seemed like that star” Reki points at the graffiti star on top of the wall “Unreachable.”

“But I’m here, by your side.”

“Yeah.”

“And I’m not going anywhere.”

Reki wonders if one can die from happiness.

“I was thinking…”

“You think?”

“Hey!” He tries to punch Langa on the shoulder but remembers he’s injured. “Anyway, I was thinking that if you wanted to go into professional skateboarding I can be your support, y’know, be behind you. Helping you, making new boards and stuff.”

“That sounds nice, but Reki…”

“Yeah?”

“I don’t want you to be behind me, I want you to stay by my side.”

“I’ll do whatever you want me to.”

He grabs Langa’s jaw and kisses him softly, taking his time.

“Are you sure about that?” 

“A hundred percent.”

This time, Langa grabs him by the neck and kisses him and Reki can’t complain.

**Author's Note:**

> this wouldn't be possible without my amazing friend @kurapikatkm who cheered me on and kept me sane while writing so thanks to them and my wonderful beta reader @shigarakitkm <3 thanks for being so patient with me 
> 
> i hope y'all enjoy !!!!


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